A thing of beauty is a joy forever but not if you try these stunts out

1. Tattoos. Tattoos used to be the colouring of soldiers, sailors, mafiosi and punk rockers. About ten years ago, they became fashionable. The lower-middle classes started taking them up. Unfortunately, unlike last years' shoes, tattoos cannot be taken to the thrift shop and disposed of.

To a certain class of person, tattoos are 'cool'. To another, they are a graffito on the temple of the soul. They mark a woman definitively as lower class, alienated, depressed, and a bit daft. They are also a handy way to identify one absolutely to the authorities.

This shows how stupid some crooks are. The same goes for piercings. My family are farmers.

I associate nose rings with bulls, and piercings with cattle tags. They are a haven of dirt, infection, and their openings look unsightly. With tattoos and piercings, before you have opened your mouth, you have already typed yourself to people you meet.

2. Highlights and streaks. Are you blonde, or brunette? Make up your mind! These might have been novel ten years ago. Now they just look common.

Not all gentlemen prefer blondes. A healthy head of untinted brunette or raven dark hair is a pleasant novelty these days. It is true that blondes have more fun.

I used to be one! Most people on the planet are dark. A non-blonde with blonde hair looks 'interesting'. Now this fashion is done to death, however. If they are doing it in Romford, it's buried! 3.

Big hoop earrings. Unmistakably part of the wardrobe of the gypsy. This is fine if you are one. Strangely popular. Perhaps they are to make the wearer's head look smaller. Add them to the features above, and an unattractive type emerges.

4. Binge drinking. Binge drinking, squawking and falling over in the street is hilarious if you are the one doing it. If you are the spectator, it is less so.

5. Visible G-string. This is erotic, no doubt about it. Unless you have not the figure to pull it, off.

Likely to provoke a reaction of Oh, help, that's so EUKkkk.' when adorning the pasty, blemished posterior of the 'full-figured' young lady. Bad diet, no exercise, five-pints-a-night, and then 'peek-a-boo!' Agggh! I used to wonder why so many saucily-dressed young ladies walked the streets hatchet-faced.

Now I know. Half are trying to ward off unwanted vulgar advances from men, the other half are annoyed they are not getting any! There is nothing sexy about contrived, blatant and vulgar eroticism. What is erotic is what seems to be an accident.

'A glimpse of stocking is something quite shocking' etc. Likely to irritate female co-workers also. Assuming your company allows such clothing. It doesn't? I wonder why? 6.

Swearing. Your gentleman friends might find this amusing, to your face. What they think in private is another matter. Habitual swearing is another sign of a depressed, angry person. It is unattractive. The more you do it, the more it corrodes your subconscious.

7. Breast Augmentation. Also known as a 'boob job'. These look fine, from a distance.

Compared to a natural pair, they look odd. They are to real breasts what a transsexual is to a 'red hot mama'; no competition. Up close, they are just not as good as the real thing. A perfectly functional piece of equipment has been turned into a cartoon joke, with possible long-term medical consequences.

Some men like small breasts. Beauty is a matter of proportion. Some women are neurotic about their appearance; nothing will please them. A good example is .

8. Disappearing Eyebrows. They get plucked away to nothingness, and then get drawn or tattooed back in. And this is better? One can end up looking freakish, even clown-like. Loss of hair suggests illness. Plucking out one's hair is often a sign of mental illness.

Girls, desist! Do not try to gild the lily! IMPORTANT NOTE: There are people who will encourage you in the above. They will say you look lovely. Misery loves company, and some people delight in the fall of others.

Be your own woman. Stand back from yourself, your life and your surroundings, and decide your own destiny.

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